Micah Clemens' Blog

Minnesotans Should Boycott the Movie Contagion

2011-09-10T00:25:17Z

I'm calling on every decent person to boycott the movie Contagion for its reckless disregard for reality and common sense. I am, of course, talking about the slander committed against Minneapolis, Minnesota, where part of the film was set.

Let me highlight some of the most egregious crimes committed against my home city. There are some minor spoilers below, but that shouldn't matter because, as you will see, my proposed boycott is warranted.

Overstatement: Minneapolis has a population of about 380,000, not the 1,000 percent exaggerated claim of 3.3 million in the film. Perhaps they meant the greater Seven County Metropolitan Area, but they should have said that if that's what they meant and any Minneapolitan would immediately correct such a careless oversight.
Giant plot hole: the disease in the film is purportedly spread through contact with other people. It is logically impossible for this disease to break out there since Minnesotans never have contact with other people if it can be at all avoided.
Characters don't act like rational Minnesotans: when the Governor somehow declares a quarantine on the entire State of Minnesota, Matt Damon's character and his daughter try and fail to flee to Wisconsin. Not only would that be the sixth choice for a Minnesotan in the real world¹, but there are only like 12 bridges to Wisconsin for the military to barricade and nearly 300 miles along the wide-open Iowa border.
A scene of unsupervised teenage co-ed snow angel making? I won't even dignify that filth with a response.
Unhelpful government officials: while dead bodies are piling up everywhere, the unidentified elected officials in Minnesota would only rudely respond with: "well, how are we going to pay for that?"²
Minnesotans looting? What's next, talking unicorns? Don't even get me started on Matt Damon's character desperately breaking into his neighbor's home to steal their easily accessible shotgun. A real Minnesotan would never do this since he probably didn't have a license to possess that kind of firearm.

To be fair, I suppose that if you can somehow see past all of the reality-defying plot holes and criminally slanderous portrayals of Minnesotans, you might actually enjoy this film. I kinda did.

¹ In order, the top six choices would be: 1) Iowa, 2) South Dakota, 3) Canada, 4) Die from either the virus or violent mob in Minnesota, 5) North Dakota, 6) Wisconsin.

² That might actually be plausible now, but for the sake of my screed, let's assume they filmed this before the 2010 election.

An Open Letter To AMC Theaters

2010-04-24T22:15:41Z

(Regarding AMC's decision last year to change their long-standing policy of allowing customers to bring in outside food or beverages, so long as it isn't alcoholic or in glass bottles)

FROM THE DESK OF MICAH CLEMENS
April 24, 2010
AMC Entertainment Inc.
P.O. Box 725489
Atlanta, GA 31139-9923

To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing to express my displeasure with your company’s decision to change policy and forbid customers from bringing in outside food or drinks into your theaters. I write as a loyal customer of ten years and a former employee at your now-closed HarMar location in Roseville, Minnesota.
One reason that I remained a loyal customer—aside from AMC’s generally excellent facilities and attention to technical detail in providing a quality movie-going experience—was that my choice to occasionally enjoy my own food or drink was respected by your chain. Usually I’d only bring in my own refreshments because I desired a more healthful option than what is offered by AMC concessions. I’d still patronize the concessions if I wanted a soda or candy, and didn’t mind paying more for the convenience. It was almost instinctual: I’d choose to go to AMC because I liked how they did business. Seeing as how you have completely reversed this customer-friendly policy, I am seriously considering taking my business and loyalties elsewhere.
Companies cannot instill positive feelings in customers by eagerly conforming to the lowest common acceptable practices in an industry. Don’t just do something and then justify doing it because your lousy competitors chose to as well. You want to know why so many people loathe wireless providers and domestic air carriers? Because of customer-alienating decisions like this that create a race-to-the-bottom where nobody wins and your customers begin to resent you. I have few acceptable alternatives to air travel and mobile phone providers, but I do have countless alternatives on how and where I spend my entertainment dollars.
I ask you to please reconsider this policy change. Until then, I’ll think long and hard before choosing to drive out of my way to go to an AMC theater when I can get treated the same way at one of your more conveniently-located competitors.

Sincerely yours,
 Micah Clemens

It's The Small Victories

2010-04-17T21:00:08Z

Many people fear things like heights, public speaking, and death. Not me. The only* thing I really fear is killing plants that I am personally responsible for keeping alive.

I'm happy to report that after a month, I haven't killed my orchid yet! In fact, she's doing really well. My ambitious goal is that she survive the entire Summer of George, 2010.

* If you want to get all technical, I'm also terrified of jumbo flying squid. Seriously.

I'm Getting My Excitement Quivers Already...

2010-04-01T15:07:01Z

Two days until iPad Day!

Also: Summer Heights High will always be a classic

I Proclaim This The Summer Of George!

2010-03-23T11:46:18Z

...time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin!

Census Time!

2010-03-17T12:12:50Z

It's a great day for equality in the District of Columbia

2010-03-03T14:27:56Z

Today is the first day that the District’s same-sex couples can apply for marriage licenses. The Post has some great photos.

Who Knew Paisley Was So Hard Make By Hand?

2010-02-12T00:14:38Z

All I wanted to do was make a repeating purple paisley background for my website in Photoshop. I guess I never noticed how intricate a paisley pattern is. Three hours later... I'm pleased with how it turned out though. The trick is all in the layers and using the offset filter to make the patter repeat correctly.

]]> I found two great free paisley brushes, one by debh945 on Deviant Art and the other from Obsidian Dawn. You can download my paisley photoshop psd file here if you want to see how I did it.

Do you know how you appreciate something more only after you've lost it?

2010-02-11T13:10:14Z

That's how I feel right now on day seven of this stupid snow storm. I'm talking, of course, about Mangialardo's. Oh, what I wouldn't do right now for one of their meatball subs on a soft roll.

D.C. 2010 Blizzard Food Crisis

2010-02-10T18:20:04Z

It's going on day six of the blizzard that has crippled the entire Washington region. Forecasts predict continued snowfall for at least the rest of today, and I've lost count of the total amount that has accumulated, but it's probably going to pass three feet today. The House of Reps is shut down, the above ground Metro is shut down and thousands of people have no power. The worst thing of all: I'm running out of tasty meal options.

]]> As a self-diagnosed foodie, this is starting to get really bad. Salsa and queso dip: long gone. Jalapeno Poppers with Cream Cheese: gone. Sour cream: gone (this is perhaps the most painful one). Hummus: stupidly left at a Superbowl party. Cheese: dangerously low (I'm about 6 hours away from having to break into my Cabot Pepper Jack emergency reserve). I'll admit I have ample supplies of rice, pasta, oatmeal, frozen veggies and bread, so I technically won't starve to death. But I have to wonder if life without sour cream is even worth living.

All I'm asking is for the snow to stop for a few hours - if not for the children then just to allow me to go to Safeway and bring some dignity back into my life.

Ted Kennedy, Cold Update, My Dad's Free Magazines, & Mike Judge

2009-08-27T04:34:42Z

Today was a huge loss for progressive politics as Ted Kennedy passed away from brain cancer. He was one of the most effective lawmakers of my generation -- and my parents' generation -- and he will be missed. I went through and found a voicemail he had left for my boss a couple years ago on our office machine. It certainly showed his personal touch and effort he made to a then-freshman Congressman.

Micah's cold — Summer 2009 Edition Update

In somewhat lighter news, my vacation cold has cleared up and we'll have to see how long my [kennel] cough lingers this time around. Every time I get a cold at home I go through the same back and forth with my mom about echinacea and whether it actually does anything. It usually ends up with me relenting and taking five pills that I truly believe do nothing.

Excitement at home

I find it hilarious that my father not only subscribes to TV Guide, Entertainment Weekly, and People Magazine (his rationale is that he has to use his airline miles to get something), but that he actually reads them. There are many, many publications that I get for free and never feel compelled to read — the ironically named "Executive Intelligence Review" comes to mind.

Yesterday I caught a great Fresh Air interview with Mike Judge. There's a great segment where he describes coming up with the voice for Hank Hill at 12 1/2 minutes in. I decided to check out his newest show called The Goode Family. I didn't even hear it until after it was canceled. It's an animated show about an über-PC/vegan/eco-friendly family that struggles with modern life. There are 12 episodes out there and they are hilarious. I hope that Comedy Central picks it up for a second season.

A Denny's Farewell, Morbid Costco Thoughts, & Round Corners

2009-08-19T08:10:22Z

I'm home in Minneapolis for the next 10 days. GE is leaving for England for a year tomorrow, so we had a farewell midnight dinner at Denny's. We noticed that while Denny's strict ban on board games and cards still is in effect, they now offer free WiFi. We presumed that means that we could both bring laptops and play Yahoo Cribbage there for hours, right? We were also unsure if Scategories or Taboo counts as board games.

Since Costco sells coffins, I wonder if they have a discounted family pack. Note to self: don't die in Minnesota if you want to be buried in a Costco casket: it's not one of the 34 states where you can buy your own. Think about it: If Costco Caskets are outlawed, only outlaws will have Costco Caskets...

I tinkered with the site design again today. I think it's much cleaner with less reliance on images. If you're viewing this in Internet Explorer, you're definitely missing out. At the very least, try out Firefox 3.5 or better to see the glorious round corners and alpha-level transparency.

RIP Guinness

2009-08-07T18:03:24Z

Guinness got really sick over the last couple weeks. She stopped eating and sleeping (two of her favorite things) and her liver started shutting down. I went with KP to the animal hospital and we had a few minutes to say goodbye to her before her sedative set in. She was only five years old and will be greatly missed.

Guin Guin 2004 - 2009

God I Love Barney Frank

2009-05-26T21:05:38Z

If you go into public life or if you are prominent in some other way. You will from time to time be asked to attend an event. You would like to go to that event for as short a time as possible. Because you have to be there but, you don't really enjoy it. Now, you often hear people read letters, 'Oh, I cannot be with you in person, but I am here in spirit.' More often if you go into politics, you will be places in person where you are not in spirit. But when you do those things I have one important piece of advice: Never let anyone take your coat. Because the time will come when you want to sneak out early, and through the room will ripple the cry 'Where is the Congressman's coat?'

Barney Frank, from his 2009 Commencement Address at the American University School of Public Affairs. Video and Transcript Here.

Finding Theodore Roosevelt's Manhood

2009-05-24T15:51:22Z

Had an excellent adventure to Theodore Roosevelt Island on the Potomac yesterday. The trails were nice enough, and at the center of the island is perhaps the strangest presidential monument I've seen. In addition to the Stalin-esq statue of Roosevelt, there were giant stone tablets devoted to State, Youth, Manhood and Nature. There were also giant non-functioning cement fountains. It's definitely worth checking out, just keep your eyes out for ridiculously huge snakes.